teaching how to live….
Today has been a very difficult work day. In the work that I do you have days that are out of the park, over the rainbow, up to the moon- wonderful days….and then you have days that are just….well, difficult. I am a parent— a parent of 3 unperfect children and yet there is nothing I would not do for them. I know what it feels like to have children that sometimes make bad decisions- I know what it’s like to love those children anyway and I know what it is like to want my children to have more- be more- succeed more. But as I said- I am the parent of 3 unperfect children. In my role at work- I get to meet and speak with some very unperfect children. I know most of them has someone in their lives that love them— that want them to have more, be more, succeed more….but some times these children make bad decisions. When they do I am blessed to say to them as I meet with them- that I will not judge them, that I will not hate them, that I will pray with them and for them….that I will help them in every way I can…but sometimes discipline is exactly what makes a difference for them. Sometimes no matter how much crying a young lady might do- or how much begging or pleading she might do— discipline is right. It doesn’t change my care for a student any more than it would change my care for my own children. Some times a parent of a student that I discipline is upset and even so angry that they say things I know they do not mean. Sometimes they hurt me or others I work with and for. And sometimes a decision I make is so hard- it breaks my heart to see a young woman walk out of my office knowing she is going home to something so much worse than what she has here on our campus….but a bad decision has occurred and a discipline will follow…along with a lot of prayer for that person. I know the Lord believed in discipline and I know that while it is not easy for the parent of that young person— it does not teach them anything to do nothing- it does not affect them for the better and it does not teach them how to live for God. Doing right is hard…..but we must in order to obey our Father. Tonight I have wept for three people that I know are hurting because they know what they did was right and yet no lesson was learned and for one person that I know is being hurt by not being taught that a bad decision does not mean you are not loved or cared for or prayed for but does require discipline. I keep asking myself why the events that occurred today have occurred and I have no answer— I will keep on keeping on and I will continue to do what I should in my work but the pain of this young person not being taught is very hard. I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and accept that I do not understand.
The trees— and makin’ memories
So I do believe my night deserves a blog….several years ago- my youngest brother, Dale, preached a sermon entitled “makin’ memories”…it was a sermon about his best friend and brother-in-law- that was killed his freshman year at FH- by a drunk driver. One of the things he talked about was how he held on to the simple memories that they had made together. So through the years- I have used the line— “makin’ memories” so often….usually when something crazy happens that I know will make me laugh as the years go by. For instance— the first time I cooked my first thanksgiving turkey for about 15 Marines so many years ago— and realized as I pulled it out of the oven- there was a bag of stuff and a turkey neck inside the bird!!! “Makin Memories”…… and more recently- as I cooked pre- thanksgiving dinner for about 12 of my sweet college kids- I pulled a chocolate pie out of the oven and as I turned to put it on the counter- it slipped off the pan and landed top down on the floor….. we all laughed so hard as I said— well we are just makin’ memories…. This brings me to tonight— Blake, Drake, Stokely and I drove to Lowe’s to get our Christmas trees….Stokes has never had a live tree before- so she was so excited she was about to pop!!! So we pull in and get out to look at the trees and this is when the “memories” began….first off it was raining— not to bad but steady. Then as we walked around the tree lot area- I watched as Stokely’s eyes got bigger and bigger….and Drake and Blake walked directly to the 9 foot trees!! They started pulling them out one by one and looking at height and shape and debating as each of them tried to find that perfect tree. Well we found our tree and Blake carried it up by himself to the front area…as Drake and Stokely began to look for their first tree together. I loved watching the two of them as they tried to decide if the 9 ft. trees could fit into their house—talking with each other as they discussed cutting it off- or having a tree like “Elf” had in the movie…..Blake returned and “helped” them and they too found a beautiful 9 ft. tree!! (makin’ memories) We headed to the front and with their tree- and we realized when we got there that we knew the young lady working the chain saw and bagging area— she is just a little bitty thing and I wondered how on earth she and the little check out girl were going to help us load not just one but two trees onto the top of my car!!! Well as we talked to them I realized that they had no idea how they were going to do this either…..they were assuming I guess that Blake and Drake would do it….if you know my children at all…you might understand why this had me a bit worried. So i casually mentioned to the check out girl that we might need some assistance tying it to the roof of the car…she called for back up! ”Back-up” came in the form of a skinny scrawny guy that went to high school with the boys…bless his heart- he had no clue!! We placed the trees on top of the car and began tying them to the roof-with two small pieces of “thread” (according to Blake). Stokely and Drake secured them and began tying them very tightly to ensure they would NOT come off…..the problem was that as the tied the third secure side…they realized that the car doors would NOT open! So we all laughed so hard we couldn’t handle it….we had one door that had not been tied down yet so we climbed through that door to all get into place. (makin’ memories) By the way- my passenger window does not roll up or down so we had to run one of the strings across the passenger seat over to the driver side— kinda like an automatic seat belt strap. (makin’ memories) We began driving with Drake and Stokes in the back seat watching the trees from that angle and me in the passenger side and Blake driving… Drake told him to drive as slow as possible until we were sure that the trees wouldn’t move….so we started out at about 20mph….and yep- that was as fast as we go without the trees slowly sliding around and moving more and more toward the back of the car. We noticed this when all the sudden Blake said- hey, I can’t see the tops of the trees out the top of my window anymore…..(makin’ memories). About 1/2 mile down the road as I was hanging onto the string that was running across my seat- I realized that my coat sleeve was getting full of water— oh, wait- the window did roll down just a bit. :-) (yep, makin memories) It only took us about 30 minutes to make a 10 minutes trip….but we didn’t loose the trees and although the rain had drenched them pretty good—we made it home all in one piece— safely. We unloaded the trees and went back to the store for some lights and some ornaments for Drake and Stokely and came on home with more excitement then we have had in many years. Stokely begged and begged us to go ahead and set up our tree- so the kids began all working on the new tree stand and trying to get it so function…it was quite the effort as they worked to try to get the tree straight….they never did but they all felt it was “straight enough” and so they started to decorate…it was a fun process and we all talked and laughed and really had a great time— until I moved to a different seat in the room— I kept looking at the tree as each ornament was put on and thought- wow- it really seems crooked to me! Well all the sudden Blake put one of the few final ornaments up towards the top and the tree started falling….like really falling- I screamed- get the tree…and thankfully Stokely caught it before it hit the ground. Then they could NOT stop laughing— they just stood there literally holding up the tree not knowing what to do. (makin’ memories) Blake and Drake finally decided they would have to unscrew all the bolts in it and reposition the tree and do it again— this took about 30 minutes and finally I had standing the most beautiful tree I have ever had and a sweet and wonderful family to enjoy it with and more memories made then I ever deserved. (can’t wait to hear D and S’s tree story) :-)
honor
Well here it is - the anniversary of a day so difficult that I can barely allow myself to think of it. 1 year ago— I said good-bye to the greatest man I have ever known, my dad. It was a very suprising and very sudden death. None of us knew he was so sick and yet the Father allowed us about a month to say good-bye to him as he headed home to be with his great heavenly Love and his true earthly love. It was not enough time….saying good-bye was so hard and something none of us were ready for. All of my brothers and myself truly thought that when he went into the hospital in early October that he would come home and preach again. Maybe he knew he wouldn’t but we thought he would. There is not one day that goes past without me thinking of him and missing him. There is not one day that my brothers (one of them at least) call or text me something about him or something they know he would say to me. I have often thought about how much I wish I could spend just one more day talking to him and asking him things that I am wondering so desperately. However, I know that it is not possible yet…the one thing that I know that my entire family can do is honor him. Dad was an incredible man— not just to me but to everyone who knew him. I have never heard anyone ever say anything even half bad about him…..He loved people and he loved God so much. As I write this blog- my heart aches from missing him so terribly. I am blessed to have the memories that I have and to know for sure that my father loved me and knew how much I loved him. It has been such a hard year- a year of very difficult things for me personally—a year of finding out that not everyone is who you think they are…a year of hurting because of needing my parents to be there for me as I ended a very difficult marriage. A year that has had some dissappointments that I am still working through….realizing that there are people who are not honoring my fathers memory has been so difficult. I’ve tried to think what he would do if he were put into the difficult situation that my brothers and I have felt and yet— I hate thinking about it because I know how very much it would hurt him to know ….at a time when he should be remembered and loved- it has been hard to see what sin and greed can do to people. It is so hard mostly because I know that his heart would be broken if he knew how his children had been hurt. It is something that all of us have prayed so hard about Daddy never saw bad in people- he looked for the good. He taught each of us to look for the good- and each of us have and are trying. This year has taught me how sin can cause people to forget those they should remember and so I have been praying for peace from this situation and I know it will come. I know that my Father is not hurting now and I know that God will handle all that has happened on earth. I am thankful for the years I had with my father and I am so thankful for the life and goodness that he instilled in his children. I long to see him again and I believe in time I will. I know that this is only the first year and I know that I still have so much growing and learning to do. I know that God is with our family- I know that God is looking over us. I am such a work in progress and I know that my goal now is that during the start of this second year to learn that I do not have to worry about my dad knowing the bad things that have happened here on earth— that he is better off than any of us here and to be able to find the peace that I know he would want me to have. I miss him every moment and pray that I am learning to be all he would want me to be.
Be Still and Know….
Over the past week- it seems that life has been a bit overwhelming….so many changes have happened that I have found myself feeling a bit like a juggler in the circus. Last night I was washing dishes and started singing…..(yet again realizing that I am turning into my mother everyday more and more)….what was odd about this was that I was singing a song I had not heard in a long while- Be still and know that I am God. I do not know where it came from but I did realize it might have been some kind of subtle hint to myself- so I sat down- Bible in hand and begin to read in Psalms chapter 46- where this song came from- and just a couple of verses before - there was a verse that made me think I understood why- it might have been that we needed to be still and know…. In verse 8- it says- Come and see what the Lord has done, the amazing things He has done on earth….. WOW- did I understand. The past few years have brought some serious challenges and some difficult things that were beyond what I often though I could bare— but the Lord has never left me- He has stayed with me and I have felt His loving protection and care. And now I have had some amazing things happen recently- some blessings that are beyond my understanding…some gifts and peace that I cannot explain-and that I know I am not worthy to deserve…but in all the hoop-lah— I needed to be reminded to Be Still and know that He is God. I began right then and there to pray that I never forget- that He is always my protector and my strength- that He has been with me through the awful and the great. I am so blessed and so glad to be a child of His. So thankful for a reminder to Be still and Know.
Inspiration….
I saw him sitting there today- it was not an unusual sight- I’ve seen him there week after week for the past 8 years. In the beginning of noticing him-he was sitting with her. They were special- it was obvious the way they smile at each other with 50+ years of secrets and respect and love— it was obvious in the way they were with others- their spirit filled the room and the hearts of all those around—I watched the two if them often, I loved them from afar..I saw Christ in them and it was beautiful. Some years went by and I noticed more and more often he sat there alone. She was sick and slowly fading away from him. Still he came and as he sat alone- I watched as while inside his heart must have been breaking- still he came, he smiled, he encouraged, still I saw Christ in him. Just a few short years ago she left him-she went home to be with her Lord…it was certain that as I hugged him that first Sunday after she was gone—his heart had a hole- he missed her. Still week after week he is here. He worships and teaches and sings and prays as passionately as I’ve ever seen or heard. He lives his life with a destination in mind. I see him sitting there week after week and I am encouraged and I am inspired and I want to have his heart,his spirit, his love for others and for Christ. He does not know how much I learn from his life and I’m sure I am not alone. He will turn 90 years old in just a couple of days and his life inspires and teaches and touches every day. I am so thankful for him! Thank you brother Whittle.
“Honored”
Today on the FHU campus we had our Incredible JUMP START number 2 for the summer. This is a pretty amazing program put together by our admission team and a spectacular thing for our incoming class. By scheduled visit we have about 100 or more young people that come to campus and they get to register for their classes, meet advisors, get their college ID and of course find out about where they will be living in the fall!! It is a very busy busy day for all those involved….and sometimes gets a bit stressful for some but…..I LOVE IT!!! I had been kinda down since Father’s Day and I had blogged that day but decided not to publish it— a bit to sad of a day still. But today— well today was quite wonderful. I met each of the new students as they came through to find out where they would be living and I got to meet parents and siblings and grandparents and even a couple of “significant” others. Well each of these kids are coming in and talking and chatting to me and Kate (my super student assistant) and it was great…wait it was beyond great it was amazing. These kids who (mostly) I did not know until today were just impressing me so much- they were so thoughtful of their families who sometimes are VERY over bearing….and they were so kind as they thanked us for getting them where they wanted to be and even if they didn’t get their first choice they still had great attitudes about it. I met several young people who were pretty nervous, some who were overwhelmed and some who just were about to burst with excitement! So many of the parents thanked us and told us they were so glad that their child was coming to FHU and that the day had confirmed what a great decision it was (with everyone being so kind and working so hard). I was talking to one man in particular who asked me somehow about my brothers….then as we were talking he said- oh, you lost your father not long ago didn’t you…I smiled and told him I did. He said-“I heard him preach many times and he was such a wonderful man.” He had no idea how much it meant to me and as he left and I tried to fight back the tears- I started thinking about these parents and what a great great honor they give us each semester when they bring their greatest blessing to us and trust us to care for them and to teach them. I love FHU for so many reasons but most often because of the constant reminder of why I am here— these students, who continue to make life better day by day. I am honored and so thankful to God for this gift.
a day full of blessings
Three years…. it’s hard to believe it has been 3 years ago since I began a new journey in my life….not the most devastating journey— just new. It has been almost 3 years ago since he and I separated. I will never forget that Wednesday afternoon going home to my home and realizing that my key would not turn the lock. Realizing that he had officially locked me out…it wasn’t just his heart that had shut me out but he had really done it— caused me to be homeless. Don’t get me wrong- I knew it was coming-the abuse, then no words for so many months and being scared to live with him anymore….I knew we were not going to make it but there was something so REAL about that key not working. My life has taken all kinds of twist and turns since then…. there were some very big things— my dad remarrying—suddenly— then losing him 20 months after that….one of my dearest friends moving 5 hours away, my sons and all the things in their lives, finding out that he has a girlfriend living in my house..needless to say my Life has had some interesting turns….but today I sit here thinking of my another day full of blessings. A day where I get to wake up in a home (still unaffected by the physical storms all around us) a home full of not just family but full of dear friends who laugh and talk and compliment even my meatloaf! A day where I can come to a job that I love so much I can’t even explain. A day where my work is taking care of and “serving” other people in all different kinds of ways. A day where I can study the Bible with a young woman who is surrounded by so many Christians and yet she does not yet know of the bountiful blessings coming her way as she makes decisions to turn her life over to Him. A day where I get 6 text messages from young people with scripture for me to enjoy. A day where I know my boss will be praying for me. A day where my children are surrounded by great friends that Love God more than anything. A day where I can see a God in every blessing and while I love the physical world that I am blessed to get to be a part of, I still COMPLETELY desire to go Home. Because there I know are others who I miss everyday and there I know will be more perfect than I can ever imagine. Well while in this 3 years, I have seen pain- I know that His hand has been holding me close to His heart and I know that I yet again have another day of blessings.
Lectureship
Well here it is February and I have not posted all year. I have been writing very little these days- for a few reasons….the most important one is that I have not wanted to share publically most of my thoughts—I have spent more time in prayer than I ever thought possible and I have had many thoughts to write about but….they have not made it on paper for the most part. But here it is February—and today my heart wants to share. It is that time of year again- Lectureship. It has been for the past 8 years my favorite week of the year. A time when FH campus becomes even more exciting than normal… A time when literally thousands of people come to be with each other and grow and love and learn and sing together at a place I love so much! I love going to the 7 p.m. singing and listening as the most beautiful noise is made to the Lord. I love sitting at the feet of some of the most incredible vessels that God has used to teach us from His word, I love watching little children who get to take a week from school to get there early experience of this incredible place, I love that our students walk around happier, getting to know some of the “older” generation and hearing stories from those like Brother Hardeman and Brother Flavil Nichols….it is incredible. But the reality is I selfishly have loved lectureship for one more reason—bigger than any of these- for the past several years- my dad and brothers and uncle and aunt and several cousins have all gotten to be here- (in my corner of the world). I love that time so much where I could watch my dad see old friends and I could hear stories from his time here at Freed-Hardeman. I loved to listen to him sing with a sincere fervor that made me so proud. I loved to watch him as he listened so intently to preachers both young and old….and with his shaking hand he would take notes upon notes and nod his head or nudge me with his elbow if a point was something for me to take special note of. I mostly remember him watching my brothers…..yes, watching them speak at lectureship….both of them and I remember watching as he cried a little as they spoke- knowing the joy of these two young men who were both in their own way a younger version of him….but mostly being so proud of the road they had taken— the road to reach the lost….my father’s greatest joy. Occasionally he would say- your brothers know everyone here…it always made him happy. This year…well, this year will be different- I know we will be okay. I have said those words—we will be okay— so many times since October. - I know that most of my family who come will still be here and I so look forward to my brothers being here- they are both speaking this year- my daddy would want that so much-Lectureship will still go on and as I enjoy every moment of the greatness it brings I will be praying that God give them a window.
Again.
Most of my life has been about learning lessons….. and well- you can look at my life and see that sometimes I need to do things at least twice to “get it”- to understand much of what life is teaching me. Well one week ago today- I walked away from that “ground” where they placed the body of my Father…..I had cried more than I ever thought I would- again- I had seen more people than I ever thought I would see- again- I had prayed more fervently than I had in a long time- again..I have now gone back to work- again..and yet- no matter how many things were “repeats”…nothing feels the same. I don’t want to complain- I do know he is in a better place- I do know he is happier than we are now- I do know he worked his whole life to go home- but…… I miss him. It is just that simple- nothing flowery or poetic- Just me missing him. Realzing his death and knowing that I have neither of my parents— I miss him- I miss them. Thank you for your continued prayers as I learn a new way of life…..again.
Memories and waiting….
I have, thankfully, alot of very vivid memories of my parents. I have the amazing memory of my parents at Christmases with our whole family gathered around them. I have the wonderful memory of them sitting on our front porch talking late at night- I have the memory of the sound of their voices coming from their bedroom door when some member at church was struggling and I could hear my mom tell my dad it was going to be ok- that he had done all he could do. I have several memories of the two of them trying to video ANYTHING- or trying to use the cell phone. :) I have memories of dad calling one of the boys and my mom in the background telling him to ask them about this or that—and always him doing as she requested just to spend time on the phone with them. I have a few memories of them being affectionate in front of us- but tons of memories of them showing love like no other in so many ways. I have the memory of my mom having a heart attack my first semester of nursing school- and my dad asking me to go back in the recovery room with him- We walked through the doors and I never ever have seen such love in a mans eyes as when he saw her— he wanted to know what every machine was- what every number meant-It was the first time I had ever seen my dad afraid of anything- afraid of loosing her. I have the memory of my momma’s face as he left to go to Belize (when her health had gotten so poor she couldn’t go anymore) she would miss him so much, I have the memory of my dad’s face as we said good-bye to my mom just 5 years ago- it crushed him. He hurt so much that he literally tripled an already tough work load- he wanted to stay busy so he never had to sit and think about how much he missed her. He was so lonely and finally he knew he could not handle being alone anymore (his heart hurt to much)….so he remarried- even then every time I talked to him he told me he missed my mom everyday. He cared deeply for his new wife but never did he stop missing his Mif. (the only pet name I ever heard him call her- her initials). My parents started dating when they were old enough to date- they spent 49 years of marriage together and before that several years of dating…they had a love that exceeded all loves and we were all blessed to have them as parents….One thing that has really been on my mind- was the fact that my dad worked so much-all of his life and my mom would just wait on him. If she needed something done at home- she would have to wait on him (she knew he would be helping some member or possible convert with something), if she made dinner- she knew he would be late (he had to finish one more hospital visit) If she wanted to go out of town to see one of us kids- she knew she would have to wait (there was a man at the gas station that he needed to talk to the church about), if she wanted something fixed at home- she knew she would have to wait- he had someone in mind to do it but he was also studying with them so they would come right after the study- she knew she would be waiting on him after church…so that he could greet every member- she knew that she would have to wait to set the table- he would always bring folks home and she never knew how many. My mom spent much of her life- waiting on him….and the last almost 5 years she has been waiting on him too. Now they are together- finally- now they can spend their time together- waiting on each of us. I wish I could have seen her when she finally realized he was home and she didn’t have to wait anymore.
Glad I stayed…
On Sunday mornings for most of my life- as we partake in communion- I read an account of the crucifiction- I have been doing it for several years and there are still today always things about it that I want to ask questions about….I want to ask my heavenly Father so much about many things but especially about the death of Jesus. I wonder the big thing things, like most people do, how could He have given His only son? How could people have not known what they were doing….but I also wonder some small things…..was there anyone that was maybe not mentioned that cared enough? Did the temple veil rip straight or were there rough edges…and this one- what was it like for Jesus to “give up the ghost?” That one always puzzled me— how did that feel- the freeing of that spirit inside to serve God forever. Well- on Monday evening about 10:45 I discovered what it meant. I watched as my sweet father left this earth to be with so many he loves. I can’t really explain it but I do want to say that I understood….there we all were surrounding his bed-and we watched as he took his last breath and his heart finally stopped. He looked so much like he was sleeping but then as soon as his heart quit- his appearance changed. His body was still there and he did not move- he didn’t change position or facial expression or anything- he very peacefully lay there….but- he was gone. I knew as I looked at him- that he was not there- and I said aloud- he is not here anymore. I had really debated whether or not I wanted to be in the room when my dad left us—I was completely struggling with the decision but I am so thankful I was there-so glad I stayed. I believe that I needed to see this so much- it was yet another reminder of the truth of a faith I love so much. He gave up the ghost- as we all will… My Dad was home.
the news
I haven’t blogged at all since we got the news— that awful news that hurt (literally) hurt to hear. Multiple Organ System Failure. I have thousands of words floating around in my head…and nothing seems to come out on paper-well- I am going to try today for a bit as I wait- sit and wait for my daddy to go home to write a bit. About 11:00 this morning- the doctor (this amazing wonderful sweet doctor) came in to talk to us- He was just giving us the most awful news that any doctor has to give - he told us our father is actively dying. I must admit that when he said those words- they crushed my soul but they also made so much sense to me- “actively dying.” My dad- everything he did was active— his whole life was about active living- how fitting that now as he makes his way home- that he would actively die. The other thing that really stood out that the doctor said amidst the jumbled up medical phrases and explanation- was this- right before he left the room. He said-I am so glad that he has so many loving family members around him at this time— most often people do not. It broke my heart- I thought how sad it is that there are people in the world who do not have this- who do not have this gift of love and care and support— Family. It also broke my heart because I know that my dad has been that “family” for many many people…and he would not be here to do that anymore. I miss him already…and I must today ask for your forgiveness over the next few days as I know I will selfishly write about this man that I love so much….(writing is my therapy and he loved me to write) so I know the words will flow…..once I feel strong enough to share them with the few who read here.
19 days and a special gift
It has now been exactly 19 days since I heard my Father say any words….it is really odd because that is the longest I have ever gone without any words from my dad…even every year when he goes to Belize he calls at some point mid-trip-(something he started doing years ago when I was a little girl because I literally got sick every time he went) 19 days- that is an incredibly long time for this “daddy’s girl”…my mom used to tell me (with a laugh) that we (dad and I) made her sick with how much we loved each other. He is special…if you know my dad at all-even if you have only met him for a brief time…you know he is special. I know this because he makes everyone he knows feel special. I know with all my heart that my dad is going to speak again….Mrs. Mona (his wife) has told of his recent words and even two sentences he has said- but so far I have not heard him speak. I am so ready!! I came to Birmingham yesterday morning in hopes of hearing him talk again….in hopes of being able to hear that beautiful voice say anything to me…I spent a long time with him yesterday and still no words. But— I did get a special special gift…..When I got there yesterday he was sleeping- he looked so much better (unless you have watched someone go through this process of being confined to bed for a long time this may not make sense) but he looked better - his face was not nearly as swollen, his little hands were much more “normal” looking, his hair was clean and almost fixed- their were fewer tubes everywhere….he just looked better. Anyway- he was still sleeping- I tried to wake him and even Mrs. Mona tried to wake him- he would open his eyes kinda half-way and look at her and then close them. I was, selfishly, disappointed…I wanted him to speak- (this man who taught me to), I wanted him to show great emotion (this man who cries as much as me), I wanted something to happen…..but I got…well nothing. But I as I sat there in the chair- I realized that he did look better. Then my sister-in-law Melanie (dale’s wife) came in- now if you don’t know Melanie…well that is a whole other blog…lets just say she is an incredible amazing wonderful Christian lady…with one major flaw….she likes Auburn- :) So she came in and Mrs. Mona said-Jerry- there is Mel…and he turned and looked at her- Melanie said- Dad, I can tell that you want to say something- so go ahead and say it- I know you want to….I won’t tell anyone- go ahead- say it….War Eagle. Well— Dad smiled. You could tell he knew who she was and that she was teasing him as she always had-and he smiled. It was great…it was incredible. I was so happy…so as the evening progressed I saw him smile a few more times at people and it was great-but, I must admit there was a part of me that wanted to say- Hey, wait-dad’s little girl…his princess…his ONLY daughter over here- but instead I took every smile into my heart and mind and held it there as a special memory. Finally after a very exhausting but great day with him…..he was still wide awake-and Jeff and I were the only ones left in the room… he was getting frustrated about his teeth not being brushed- you could tell cause he kept trying to use is finger almost to brush them- (side note- he LOVES to brush his teeth more than anyone I know)- I could tell he wanted to tell us that but no words came and he kinda just dropped his hand on the bed and seemed frustrated. I went over to the bed and I took his hand- he looked at me and I said these words- Daddy, I know you are frustrated- I know you have SOOOOOO much to say and I even believe you understand what is happening around you- I know you want to talk and Dad, you will talk- the doctors have told us this and they are smart- I know that all of my life you have told me that- I can handle anything for a little while- it has been something that has kept me going through lots of very difficult times- and Dad, I know that you are going to have to say this inside for awhile….and I so wish you could talk but it is ok for now to just try- it will come- I know it will. (he was listening- I could see it in his eyes- so like any good Jenkins I kept talking) I said- Dad- I know not being able to talk is awful….I remember that one time when I was like 7 and we went on the one family vacation I remember and I was talking and talking and Jeff, Carey and Dale offered me $5.00 to stop talking for 5 minutes— I remember doing it….It was five whole dollars and so I did it for 5 minutes…..and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done! — As I started telling the story- I could see that he was remembering- he has teased me about it all my life- and when I finished- He kinda laughed. Like for real- he kinda did his little laugh and smiled so big and looked right at me and knew me and the story and well….What a special gift! I left the hospital last night- almost floating…..my dad- he knew me, he remembered me and that childhood story, he smiled at me. I am so thankful for this special gift.
Thank you for reading —I know it was long…but you see- I talk alot :)— and thank you also for your continued prayers that he will soon laugh and talk with all of us.
years ago…..
When I was about 13 I was riding in the car of a very dear friend and she had a song playing that I fell in love with….it was a song that became so special to me. I begged my mom to buy me the cassette (yes, I am that old) and so after telling her why I loved it she said she would get it for me- It was an Amy Grant cassette and I loved it— most every song moved me to tears on it…but my favorite was one that has meant so VERY much to me over the years. I know that when the song was written it was written about God- I get that…but for me- it has always been a song about my earthly Father. I used to tell my mom that it meant that Daddy was so much like Jesus because the song fit both of them— she agreed! I wanted to share the words today because-well….I just miss my dad so much today:
I may not be every mother’s dream for her little girl,
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that’s all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray:
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say,
She’s got her Father’s eyes,
Her Father’s eyes;
Eyes that find the good in things,
When good is not around;
Eyes that find the source of help,
When help just can’t be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you’re going through
And feeling it the same.
Just like my Father’s eyes,
My Father’s eyes,
My Father’s eyes,
Just like my Father’s eyes.
And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they’ll all be had to see by everyone.
And when you’re called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be….chorus
If he were able to know I would tell him—Dad- those words lyears ago meant so much to me because that is the kind of man you are…and they still mean the same to me now. I am blessed because of his life.
thank you for still continuing to pray—
little….small…simple…..AMAZING
So today was my first day back to my “real life”…it was interesting at best. I came into work and had 23 phone messages and 59 emails that I had not yet responded to from the iphone- while I was away. I took care of those things that were pressing first- pretty simple things- a few dress code violations, a couple of curfew folks, and a few parents with questions regarding private room fees. These things are vital in my “real world” but today I just thought most all day about my dad….people were kind- many many students came by and asked about him— how is he doing…..seems like a pretty tough question to me lately. I mostly just said- better…because I know that telling all that we know will cause me complete exhaustion. So…I got a call from Mona around 12 and I will be honest- it made me feel so thankful that she called me— she told me the doc had been in and there was very little change- nothing significant. He had an allergic reaction to some meds but was ok…and other than that he was still sleeping alot. So all day- I would take a minute or two to ask God to be with my dad as he works through this fog….that he is in. I also thought about him so much today when people would complain about the weather- or that chapel was not what they wanted— or that they wanted this or that right now!! I thought about the way he would take simple things and show such kindness….I thought about how he would want me to handle things- and I strived so hard to remember that just about two weeks ago- i was one of those people who complained about little, small, simple things….I want to be better than that- I want to remember that always there are people around me hurting…always there are people who need me to focus on being good to them. I know my daddy would want these things from me—even before he was sick. So tonight I came in from work late and called Mona- to see if there was any change— she told me that therapist had come in and that he had done good with them…but slept so so much most of the day. I hung up and cried a little…and I prayed for change to come…even as slowly as it can I prayed for change to come…..just a few minutes had gone by and my phone rang…it was Mona- I answered and she said— I forgot to tell you something— did I tell you yet that this afternoon your dad said a word….I was like- what, NO!!!!! She said that when they came in and pinched his toes (a yucky but useful thing they do daily) that dad said- OH! and it was distict and clear and a real word!
Little, small, simple….Amazing!! Thank you for your prayers….they mean so much.
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